This article was originally written in Turkish and has been translated into English with the help of artificial intelligence (AI). The translation may contain errors; the original Turkish version is the authoritative text.
I do not know whether it is because people are racing against the clock or because of technological developments, but in recent years — especially among the young generation — the inability to use our beautiful Turkish well, meaningless abbreviations in written messages and impatience in listening to one another have reached an extreme.
Many times we have failed to listen properly to the person in front of us and, distracted by the movement of their lips, their clothes, their facial expressions or their tone of voice, have not understood what they were saying. Or, because many people speak very fast and do not use their lips well, we could not understand their words; or because they spoke slowly, our attention wandered after a while. And sometimes, because we knew from the moment they began exactly where they were going, we seized the opportunity to prepare a rebuttal that would checkmate them, and their words went in one ear and out the other. We all know situations like these very well. Sometimes we have regretted it, saying, “If only I had listened properly.” Yet communication is an exchange. Listening well to others prevents misunderstandings such as having to repeat things, and is the beginning of secure, healthy communication.
Research has grouped people’s listening habits into a number of categories.
NOT LISTENING: Imagine we go to a meeting or a conference. If the person has been forced to attend, if the subject does not interest them, or if they consider the speaker inadequate before even arriving, they may do something else during the conference or talk to other people. If the speaker points this out, they may carry on indifferently with “I’m listening, go on.” If this happens not at a meeting but in a personal conversation, it is best to regard it as an insult or a discourtesy to the speaker and to end the conversation there. If, during a conference, most of the audience only appear to be listening, it means something is wrong with your delivery, and it is best to end or postpone the speech at once. The right thing is to give the speech again after correcting your shortcomings (which I described in earlier articles).
PRETENDING TO LISTEN: The listener appears to be listening: they nod in agreement, make sounds like “uh-huh” as if to prove they are listening, stare blankly, or make unnecessary movements with their hands or feet, doodle on paper, play with their hair, jiggle or swing their feet. They have disconnected from the speech and drifted into their own world of thoughts and daydreams. This may be unconscious for various reasons, or it may be deliberate.
LISTENING WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES: People attending one-to-one conversations or speeches to an audience may have one of two aims: either to attack what is being said, or to seize any opportunity, whatever is said, to push themselves forward. To this end, the speaker is interrupted with “but…” after “but…”, whether it makes sense or not. The conversation turns not into the discussion or sharing of an idea but into a struggle for superiority. In such situations both sides raise their voices, oppressive expressions replace positive ones, people talk over one another and use crushing, wearing remarks. In the end both sides lose their positive attitude and become irritated, and the situation may even turn into a quarrel.
FIXATED LISTENING: The listener gets stuck on one of the things the speaker wants to say, and does not listen to or hear the rest of the speech as it continues. They focus only on the word or sentence they are fixated on. Their approach is emotional rather than logical. People who listen this way cannot understand the speech as a whole, because they have not listened to it.
SELECTIVE LISTENING: In this way of listening, the person concentrates on what is being said, but selects from it the information they can use later and stores it in their memory. In a sense, they sort the topics according to their own need for information. They discard what is unimportant and store what is necessary for them. That is why selective listening sometimes becomes essential, especially in working life. It both makes the person’s work easier and allows them to gather the necessary information briefly and concisely, while preventing mental fatigue and unnecessary accumulation. Selective listening is therefore one of the skills that all working people can use with mastery.
LISTENING TO HEAR: This is listening generally done to enjoy the moment. We mostly use this kind of listening when we go to the cinema, the theatre, the ballet, a concert and so on, or when we watch a programme on television. We do not need to make any special effort to take things in; we enjoy the moment. We have fun, we laugh, we even sing along to the songs and folk songs we hear on the radio or a recording. But we later forget most of it.
EMPATHETIC LISTENING: This is a skill everyone needs but very few people understand and practise. It is based on people facing various problems in our time opening their hearts to those they feel close to, and finding relief. For this reason the listener needs to be tolerant, patient and open-minded. The listener must not be self-centred. But in general it is extremely difficult to find people like this. When two friends are talking and one is pouring out their troubles in order to feel better, if the other begins with “Is that all? Just the other day, exactly the same thing happened to me…” — in other words, if they cannot empathise and comfort the other person — then the conversation loses all its meaning. We must always listen to the end to what the person who is speaking, who wants to find relief, wants to say. We must never forget that tomorrow we too may need such a conversation.
Especially in the service sector, approaching the customer with empathy has become one of the most important conditions for increasing sales, because people today very much want to be valued by others. They also want to be understood. Never forget that listening with empathy — that is, by putting yourself in the speaker’s place — will set you apart, and if you are in business, will increase your customer base.